Nice Guys Never Finish Last…A Modern Casanova’s How-To Guide

by Nicholas Tito.

 I have five Rules you must follow religiously;  if you refuse, stop reading, you’re wasting your time…

    1. Never lie unless you absolutely have to. Lying should be an absolute last resort, yet even then, it’s usually better to just ‘ fess up.

    2. Sex is not the goal. The “chase” is our purpose, sex is nothing but a bonus.

    3. All women are beautiful, treat them all equally as such.

    4. Strive only for women other guys want.

    5. Treat dating as you would your first time to a frozen yogurt parlor: nothing more than a bunch of samples in small paper cups. Attach yourself to each flavor accordingly.

First you have to ask yourself, am I an asshole? Be honest, you’re only asking yourself after all. It’s impossible to be an asshole, and successfully navigate through dating multiple women. Nobody will show up to your funeral procession besides those unfortunate enough to have a regretful moral obligation. Being an asshole works for a little while, but give it enough time, and no girl will touch you. Being the nice guy charms more women than you can  perceivably wish for. The trick is using your asshole persona only at the opportune moment. If you’re a nice guy, change nothing but what you gather from this story; if you’re an asshole, try being nicer first, then applying what you will read.

I was in love with Paisley Watson, and still am today. Being what today’s culture refers to as a player  can make a man very pleased with himself. Be warned, I lost the love of my life acting like a Casanova. So whatever your reason for learning the difficult art of wooing women gracefully, make sure you know this is what you want. After all, the overall goal of learning this trade is to increase one’s happiness right?

Paisley Watson was a cheerleader whose looks dazzled. She received terrible grades, had no real skills, and relentlessly talked about only herself. So naturally, she was tremendously popular. With long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and weighing at around 110 pounds while sporting Double D’s, Paisley was highly desired by the male high school population. She was my girlfriend for lack of a better word, yet best friend/favorite-girl-to-date probably describes our relationship more aptly. You see, if you never ask a girl to be your girlfriend, 99% of the time she will just assume you have, but we never should  forget about actual verbiage of a relationship. If you never asked or agreed to a full-fledged relationship, you’re not in one; plain and simple. Paisley, or a girl like her, is critical to successfully becoming a modern day Casanova. You see, both men and women use the girl you spend the most time with  as an indication of your social status. You need a girl like Paisley; high in social prestige and desire, to enter the world of high frequency dating.

I had just put my honors biology book into my backpack, then pulled up the zipper on my high-rise jeans. It was one of those moments where you realize the last time you used the restroom was before you left for school.

“Hi there, I see you’re taking biology too, but that’s not the book I’m using.” Paisley said to me, her eyes felt like searing spotlights.

“UH,  [stammering, coughing, squealing; imagine the most embarrassing sounds to come out a persons throat possible]  hi, yeah, honors.”

I had been a freshman for a grand total of two weeks, and like every freshman nerd does, I choked. Literally choked I mean, on air, while stammering to say hi. Our future conversations went just like this, and by a circumstantial act of god, she liked me, a lot.

    This is proof that you don’t need to be a popular jerk to score the pretty girl in school. I got lucky, but all that is required of you is the actual effort. The girl you stare at aimlessly throughout the day, whether it is work, or school: completely attainable. You can’t enter the world of high stakes dating without socially securing a high status woman. Your conversation just has to be mildly better then the one between Paisley and myself.

Fast forwarding to senior year of high school, Paisley was waiting outside my house to pick me up on warm Tuesday morning.

    “Good morning handsome,” she said with an annoying tone of cheerfulness.

    “Good morning, so what do you want for breakfast.” I replied hazily.

    “Well I already got you doughnuts, here”

As she reached around to the back seat to hand me doughnuts, I couldn’t help but feel annoyed. She had decided to stay home all weekend, instead of snowboarding with us and staying at our friends cabin.  I was still angry over the matter. She was after all my best friend, and my favorite girl to bring around. Plus it had been a while since our friends had seen us hanging out, it was high time to remind them whom I allocated as the main girl I date. Male friends’ acceptance is huge; we all know this. It’s also critical to high status dating, ensuring your male friends will speak highly of you when new women are around. This was done once again, by the status Paisley helped create.

    “Thanks,” I said. “You look gorgeous today by the way.”

On a quick side note, never use the word beautiful; women connect the word beautiful with commitment. Using hot or pretty is boring, always try for gorgeous, or stunning, these do not carry as many tones of commitment.

Anyways, Paisley fully believed that we were in a relationship.   However, not once did I ever ask her to be my girlfriend. At this point in my life I was still learning the tricks of the trade. I lied frequently about being exclusive, which turned out to be a huge mistake.

The few hours in between morning and third period were for the most part, uneventful. Allison was in my third period; we would always sit towards the back to secure more privacy, and a sense of security. Dark brown wavy hair and a face likened to that of Megan Fox, Allison glowed with a certain island girl sex appeal I could hardly resist. Corny as this sounds, my favorite flavor of frozen yogurt is by far vanilla, yet I love a bowl of Piña colada. This rationale once adopted really allows you to let your words flow when speaking to women. If every woman is beautiful, special, and no different than any other, the intimidation factor nearly disappears.

    “It’s because you’re so gorgeous Allison, that can be the only explanation. She’s jealous that she doesn’t look like you.” I was never quite sure if the girls knew that my compliments were a series of covert operations, but never the less, they worked.

    “Yeah I guess, but she still shouldn’t be treating me like that, me and my ex just broke up anyways, she can have him.” She exclaimed while blushing intensely.

    “Wait, your single now?” I asked excitedly.

    “Yeah, as of yesterday.”

    “What are you doing Friday night then?”

Always be quick and to the point, the less conversation about setting up a date, the less questions she can ask.

    “Nothing, why?”

    “Lets do something, I might be taking my boat out on the harbor, you should join.”

    “Aren’t you with Paisley?”

    “No we’re just best friends that hook up occasionally, actually.”

    “Yeah I heard you guys aren’t actually a couple, but I don’t want to piss her off.”

    “We don’t exactly have to tell her, but I mean if she asks I will have to, but lets cross that bridge when we get there, I really like you and think your gorgeous. Paisley doesn’t get to control who I spend my Friday nights with.”

    “Well then yeah that sounds great, what time Friday?” Allison asked with a huge grin that spanned from cheek to cheek.

One moment, one swift window of opportunity, is the only chance to craft a particular lens through which the girl will view you. Here, I have instilled a theme of honesty, vulnerability, and yet still a streak of excitement. Women like bad boys, but only subtly, too much and you’re an asshole. Women think about the things we men say much more then we reciprocate. Always keep in mind that even the subtlest of sentences can mean a monumental amount to a woman. By being honest with Allison that I occasionally hook up with Paisley, she ironically now thinks of me as an honest person she can trust. As to why this occurs I can only speculate, but at least I can do so after successfully getting a date.

I did make a huge mistake however: lying to Paisley by reaffirming our exclusiveness in order to ensure her dedicated presence. I can still use the literature of our verbal agreements to justify never actually being boy friend and girlfriend, yet it will be a lot messier than it could be, which puts the newly found prospect of Allison in jeopardy. So just be honest. It’s so much cleaner, and bequeaths a better reputation. When women realize that you’ve been around the block, it is inevitable. If you carry the reputation of an honest man, you’re invincible, no girl truly cares who your exes are, honesty is truly the key. Especially once you factor in pre-knowledge of a girls character.

Allison and Paisley can both be grouped into the typical girl with morals category. They both want a happy healthy relationship; sex is not the sole authority of their desires. Valerie, and all women like her, makes up in lust what she lacks in morals. Knowing this information, one can approach dealing with Valerie in a much different matter. However be warned. Dealing with girls like Valerie can skew ones enjoyment of dating women. So far, you should be taking pleasure in the irony, the slyness, the almost theatrical like tactics that require a bow amidst the applaud of a roaring audience in the recesses of your mind. Women like Valerie can help perpetuate the fun of chasing women, into the art of getting laid at all costs. An ideal which only precipitated my demise.

Single. The only word sent to me in a text message by Valerie just a few nights previous to that warm Tuesday. Come lunchtime, my preconceived plan was already in effect. Across the school quad I saw Valerie make her way over to the football locker room. I had told her to meet me there; I knew it was deserted, dark, and easily escapable during fourth period. As the lunch bell rang, I kissed Paisley goodbye, watched her walk away to her own class, and then proceeded to the locker room.

By this time in my life, I had already dwindled too far down the path of dishonesty and manipulation. To sum up how corrupted I had became, the locker room visit went as follows:

    Without a word I began to take off her clothes without any resistance. We muttered a few things to each other, then she asked,

“You have a condom right?”

“Yeah,” I replied. I then thought to myself. “But you said nothing about actually using it.”

I took the condom out of my pocket, ripped it out, through the wrapper on the floor where she could clearly see it was empty, and then quickly shoved it back into my pocket, as she wasn’t looking.

    I lied to Paisley when she asked how fourth period was. I lied to Allison when she asked if I had hooked up with Valerie on Tuesday.  I had begun to lie a lot.

    A few weeks later, Paisley showed up at my doorstep unannounced.

“Here,” Paisley said with eyes that illuminated hatred as she handed me a folded piece of paper.

    “What’s this?” I asked.

    “Proof that we are over.”

And with that she walked away, carrying with her  hatred of me that will never fade. Paisley had handed me a list of girl’s names written down hastily I had had sex with, or otherwise hooked up with in the previous year or so. So much hate, I could literally feel it pulsating in her when her hand touched mine to give me the folded note.

“So much hate, and she doesn’t even have a complete list,” I thought to myself.

There is nothing wrong with dating, and creating preconceived environments to better foster a good honest chase. Just be wary of how far you want your chase to go…

This entry was published on August 14, 2013 at 6:52 am and is filed under base line tales. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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